Defining Bisexuality

Hello, dear readers:

I assume one day you will return to this post to see how my story began, but you will hear about that through all of my posts in different forms (first thoughts, first kisses, first relationships, first everythings). In this post, I want to make an attempt to define bisexuality as I know it, here and now as I begin this blog to help define my life.

During my most confusing times, I scoured the internet for help with what I was feeling. Unfortunately, the abundance of information out there regarding bisexuality and relationships is close, but lacking excruciatingly, painfully, obvious elements to the dynamic for me, or complicating them with additional variants that are too specific.

Very simply, bisexuality is being able to find sexual and romantic interest with members of your own, and the opposite sex.

• Any other stipulations or occurrences combined with these feelings can vary from person to person. 
• The extent of romantic and sexual interest can also vary from person to person.
• The number of people you are able to remain in love with at the same time also varies from person to person as well.

Bisexuality in relationships can be very confusing for an individual. In our world, monogomy is king. And for good reason. It's hard enough trying to juggle our own lives and make time for one partner. Making time for a second partner is even more complicating, and may end with jealousy and heartbreak by one or more of the people involved. It is very rare when three people can live happily ever after together with no complaint from family, friends, or from within the triangle.

Bisexuality and monogamy is even more confusing. When a person is dating someone of one sex, they do not look to other members of the same sex as their partner to satisfy their sexual and romantic needs-- that's cheating, because you can get the same satisfaction from your partner. For lesbians, it is easy - don't look at other girls (& vice versa for the gays). For hetero's, it's also easy - with girls, don't look to other guys; for guys, don't look to other girls. But for bisexuals, we are romantically and sexually interested in the vastly different qualities of men and women. As such, in a monogamous relationship, we have to shut ourselves off from not only the members of the gender we are with, but the gender we are not with, creating an incomparable temptation and emptiness that can and most likely will consume you.

Background

To begin with, I am a 26 year old female. I have been in mostly straight relationships, and only came out to (some of) my family about my bisexuality when I was 22.

We have several elements we are working with here that make my definition and situation unrelatable to most cultural blanket norms:

• I'm still one-foot in the closet.
• I haven't had as many experiences with women -- Actually, there was only ONE serious instance.
• Because of this I'm not 100% sure that I am even fully bisexual, and may actually be a very self-constrained, but full on lesbian. 
• I'm a serial dater. I have yet to spend more than 8 months single in the last 7 years. 
• I am not okay with the way I have defined my current relationship as I did at 22, and find it manipulative and selfish - but am often reminded that it was MUTUAL. Strangely enough to me it is something very strongly encouraged by my boyfriend.

My main issues are the curiosities that prevent me from making committed decisions.  When I first met my current boyfriend 4 years ago, I told him that I was bisexual, and that I would likely not be only satisfied with him. I had just gotten out of a 2.5 year relationship with a guy that I cheated on with a beautiful woman who taught me more about myself than I had ever known before. I dated her for a little bit, was heartbroken, but still more interested in being with women.

Something about the way he accepted me, believed in my ability to succeed in life, and encouraged my sexuality made me want to spend every waking moment with him, and I seduced him so he wouldn't want to leave either. We had a great time -- we still do, and love eachothers company, and accept eachother's strange quirks. But the sexual side of our relationship is always lacking and I haven't quite figured out why. There is no doubt that it feels amazing, but as far as feeling intimate with him (or any other guy in my past) - well, it's a challenge.

The terms my boyfriend and I decided upon when we first got together were that I could still meet and "be with" girls. But that was that. It was never really defined. Through randomly asking about it for about 3 years and never taking initiative until we had some clear understanding, certain things were established, including even being able to have a girlfriend (as long as it wasnt serious)....

So how the hell is that supposed to work? Why would any guy allow that? I don't understand. But before it has even gotten there, I am questioning everything. Am I really bisexual? Or do I just want to be with women and have the comforting non-controversial life of a heterosexual couple? Am I willing to sacrifice my happiness in my heterosexual couple with my best friend of four years to figure that out? Why didn't I do this when I was 22? Will I be in this same position, only reversed, later down the line if I take a leap?

I'm plagued with questions. As always, writing helps me with these things. It's the best form of therapy and its free thank God. So I will continue my trials to make sense of what may come, until I figure something out.


Thanks for listening.

S.